I'd just like to reassure the vast majority of everyone that your teeth are white enough already!

I just saw a commercial for toothpaste that whitens teeth, then one for mouthwash that whitens teeth, then one for, I think, shoes that whiten teeth. Then an "entertainment reporter" came on with these ridiculous glowing choppers that sort of blurred everything around them, like looking straight into the sun does.

Some people are clearly going too far and are beginning to resemble some sort of electric-mouthed space aliens. Clearly the toothpaste/dentist/mouthwash/CIA/Cuban/entertaiment reporter syndicate behind this scheme is making a big pile of money, having convinced everyone that you're a worthless toad unless you have a mouthfull of 500 watt lightbulbs.

You're not. You look fine. Relax.

Everybody else in my family is sick. It started with a cold my daugher brought home from school. Now I am the only one at 100%, the last holdout, the "rock," as I say.

So I've gone into super-stay-well mode. I'm washing my hands so often, they're dried and crackly. (This is not our bathroom pictured above. Are you kidding? This one's clean.) I won't touch a towel anyone else has used. I wouldn't let my wife touch the dishes from the dishwasher.

The biggest challenge is changing the channel on the tv. "Who touched the remote last?" I ask. Then I put a paper towel over it and push the buttons through the towel. Unfortunately, I haven't memorized what button does what, so mistakes are made. A small sacrifice to make.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, discussing the tensions with North Korea, told an audience "we're in deep doo-doo!"

Was this Cheney's way of telling us that Kim Jong Un has secretly developed a doo-doo missle? It's not deadly, but it'll ruin your best shirt.

Hey, you know that whole thing about the Postal Service discontinuing Saturday mail delivery? Okay, never mind! Congress got involved, and passed a bill to keep the mail coming on Saturdays after all. The Postal Service wanted to save money by cutting delivery back to 5 days a week.

Rememember when you used to get fun things in the mail? Letters from old friends! Birthday Cards! Anthrax!  A quick check of my mail this week shows all we've gotten so far is:

1. Sale flyers for beds

2. Bills, mostly involving medical and insurance

3. Oprah Magazine.

All of them, I think can wait until Monday. Well, except Oprah!

A town in Poland is ready to unveil a new fiberglass statue of Pope John Paul II that is 43 feet high! When completed it will be the largest pope statue in the world, (not shown here. This is a different one) and they hope to be listed in the Guiness Book of World Records.

But is fiberglass really the most dignified sculpture material they could come up with? No bronze or marble for a pope? When I think fiberglass statue, I think of a giant unicorn next to a truck stop.

Just back from a spring break trip with the family! Here are a few things I learned!

1. A 13 year old boy does not want to sleep in a queen bed with his dad

2. When a 10 year old girl says she has to go to the bathroom, it means she had to go about 30 minutes ago, and is just telling you about it now.

3. Whatever the heck is on those iPod screens is a lot more interesting than another mountain or waterfall

4. If macaroni and cheese is on the menu, it will be ordered.

5. "Just stop the arguing back there!" will not stop the arguing back there.

6. A whole CD of Mom & Dad's favorite "story songs" like "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia" is NOT fun for everyone.

Easter was a favorite holiday in our family when I was a kid. We'd go to church, then when we'd get home, I'd search for candy that the Easter Bunny had hidden around the house.

One year I found a bag of those little foil-wrapped eggs way back in a closet, behind the vacuum attachments. My parents looked at them, then looked at each other and shook their heads. My mom said "I think the Easter Bunny may have hidded those a couple years ago!" Did I eat them?  I'll never tell. I will tell you they were white around the edges, dry and crumbly but still sweet! And I lived to tell the story!